*Warning: Before you continue reading, this blog post discusses the culturally taboo topic of having a pregnancy,abortion and miscarriage. If this offends you or disturbs you for whatever reason, I’d advise you to stop reading now. This blog comes from the heart and is a way of me dealing with the situation. Writing and yoga are my medicine and help me heal beyond explanation. Thank you. *
On Tuesday March 21st 2017, I found out I was pregnant. This was the morning after I came back from a trip to Puerto Rico and 20 minutes before I was meeting my long term boyfriend for lunch.
When I looked at the little plus sign on the pregnancy test, I was crushed. At the age of 20 my mother already had my brother and I. Growing up, I watched how much she struggled to make things meet and provide a good life for us. I always promised her and myself that I would wait until I was ready to have children. It seemed it that instance that the universe had another life path for me. I thought about all of things I wouldn’t be able to do because of a baby.
I couldn’t be a foreign correspondent for Vice News.
I couldn’t be a traveling yoga instructor.
I couldn’t travel around the country with my puppy.
I felt in those moments that my life was a sick joke. I became the statistic. I was going to be the young mom, who almost finished college, could barely make a living for herself and had to put her dreams behind her to raise a baby.
While in Puerto Rico I had confessed to my boyfriend, Jefferson and my friend, Alex that I thought I could be pregnant. Both of them brushed it off and told me to keep enjoying my island adventure.
Thanks to my yoga practice I can tell when things are off with my body. Something was different and intuitively (and physically) I knew that a little baby was a brewing. My boobs were much larger than their usual ant bites and had been for about two weeks, my stomach felt bloated, and I craved mac and cheese and ice cream like their was no tomorrow.
My boyfriend met me for lunch around 11:45 that morning. I didn’t even need to tell him the news, my entire demeanor told the story before I said anything. It took him a moment to process but he was elated to be a daddy. I longed to feel the same way. Anytime I had daydreamed about conceiving a baby in the past, it was the happiest moment of my life. For some reason, I just didn’t feel that way and it bothered me.
I spent the following week a hotter and crazier mess than ever been before. (and if you know me, I’m already a hot crazy mess!
I couldn’t make up my mind. If I had the baby when entire life would be altered. I would have to change my routine, my freedom would be less and my entire focus would shift from myself to a newborn. I knew I had it in me to be a mom but part of me wished it could be later down the line. On the flip side, if I didn’t keep the baby my life would still be altered. I would be burdened with the emotional trauma of losing a baby. Yes, it would be easier to pursue my dreams without infant around but not impossible.
Before I move on I want to point out two things…
- I loved this baby from the moment I knew she was there. It sounds crazy because it is but it was love at first sight if you can call it that. It was maternal. It was instinctual. It was unconditional. It was human.
- I am NOT a monster of any sort. I am a 22 year old college student that struggles to pay her own bills half the time. I love my job but it’s not the most lucrative. Believe me when I say that I contemplated abortion because of the financial situation that I’m in. You may judge me, you may never talk to me again but I am still no monster, I am women.
I spent the following week a hotter and crazier mess than ever before. (and if you know me, I’m already a hot crazy mess! For one, my emotions were all over the place. If you aren’t familiar with the process of pregnancy, the very beginning brings altered hormone levels and secretion of different pregnancy hormones. At times, I felt like a shining star sparkling her way through life. While at times, particularly at night I felt lost and most of all scared by the situation I was in. This was followed by bucket loads of tears, ,reassurance by my boyfriend that everything was going to be OK and deep breathing so I could fall asleep.
Life became more exhausting with pregnancy. Climbing up the stairs to my apartment or class seemed to take it out of me and I fell asleep hours earlier than usual. The most odd of it all was my constant craving for dairy. For days I longed for macaroni and cheese and Jeff finally caved and made the best homemade mac and cheese I’ve ever tasted. (But that could be the pregnancy talking.)
It’s funny looking back now at a previous blog post I wrote about 10 Things I want to do before 30 .
If you look at the list, “Not Get Pregnant”, is number TWO on the list! I wrote about my parents struggle to raise me and how I wanted to chase dreams…kid free. But here I was feeling bloated like a whale, but still looking only a few weeks pregnant.
On Thursday, I called my mom to tell her I was pregnant. I was so worried about telling her but the words slipped out so naturally. She was also elated although she kept saying she fainted over the phone 😉 I told her I wasn’t sure what I was going to do but she said she was there for me regardless. That type of support gave me strength but also confusion. My next phone call was to my boyfriend. I decided I was going to give planned parenthood a call and wanted to let him know. He was sad but also supportive of me.
When I called Planned Parenthood, I froze for a moment. What in the world was I doing? How did I end up here? The operator picked up and I scheduled my appointment for two weeks from that Wednesday. I hung up the phone. I cried. Fetal position. Right by my front door. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. Deep down inside I knew I couldn’t go through with it but I was scared out of my mind if I decided to keep this beautiful little being.
I kept myself busy the next few days. I carried on at work, school, yoga, my internship and writing. I cuddled my puppy harder than ever before. I loved my boyfriend more than ever. I appreciated life on a whole new level. Through meditation, long walks with my pup and soul searching I decided I was going to be a mommy. Sure things would be harder but life isn’t always a walk in the park. Contrast to vibrant photos and funny videos people post on social media, sometimes life throws you through curve balls that you decide not to share. Things are not always the way they seem.
When I made the decision to go through with the pregnancy, I swear babies were everywhere! During a class lecture we discussed the effects of vitamins on pregnant women, my friend Brandi brought her baby in one morning before I taught yoga and I swore every sign, advertisement and billboard had to do with babies. I observed how my friends with children carried on with their lives baby in tow. I believed more than ever that I could do this. With the support of my family, boyfriend’s family, and close friends, Jefferson and I were going to do this. Like every other curve ball that’s been thrown at us, it was just something else we could conquer together.
Sunday April 2nd marked one of the worst days of my life. I was Tampa bound with Jefferson to see a professional hockey game. The tickets were a present to Jeff for Christmas and the date marked in my calendar for months. I woke up that morning and something wasn’t right. For one, I was bleeding, although lightly which is normal during pregnancy but I was also cramping. The cramps weren’t any worse than a typical menstrual cycle but they got worse as the day turned into night. At one point I told Jeff about the pain but I didn’t want to leave the game early. His two favorite teams were playing and he is a hockey fanatic.
8:30 pm couldn’t have come sooner. The game was almost over and Jeff wanted to leave to beat the crowd. I spent the entire ride home breathing deeply to deal with the pain. When we got home, I took a warm shower, rubbed peppermint oil on my pelvis and fell asleep.
Early Monday morning, I woke up with the most excruciating pain I’ve ever had in my life. It didn’t take a doctor for me to know what was happening to me.
I was having a miscarriage.
I don’t share this story for your sympathy or as a sob story. I share my story with you to show the oneness we all have as humans. We all have pain. We all suffer. We all love. We all learn. We all want to be happy. We are all one human family.
Dealing with the hormonal changes of a pregnancy is one thing. But dealing with the loss of an unborn child is devastating. My story continues on next time for part two of this series, Confessions of a Miscarrying Yogi.
Thank you for reading and feel free to contact me if you need love, support or a big hug. I love you. Namaste, Kay.