Imagine the worst pain you’ve ever felt. It could be emotional, physical, or mental. Maybe you broke a bone, cracked your skull, had your heart broken or a bad case of food poisoning. Now imagine this pain times 1000 on an emotional, physical and mental capacity and you’ll understand what its like to have a miscarriage.
I sat keeled over on the toilet desperate for the pain to pass.
At one point, I thought I was having a migraine. My vision became blurred, my hearing impaired and the light in the bathroom made me want to vomit. The stabbing pain came in waves providing only seconds of relief before the next wave came crashing in. The cramping was unbearable and part of me wished my life would come to a halt. I looked around me praying for an answer. Why was God punishing me? What did I do for this to happen? Not only was I in excruciating pain, but I was losing the child I loved and would never meet.
She was a girl. Call me crazy but deep down inside I already knew her. For years, I had dreams of my daughter. She was calm, stunning, imaginative and everything I could ever have wished for. Her hair curled like dark brown fettuccine noodles and her cheeks were rosy like a setting sun.
I only regret thinking of baby names so early on. In fact, I played with names prior to my pregnancy because part of me knew one day I would have a little girl. Her name was Stella Luna Wright and she would never bless this Earth with her beautiful presence.
After keeling over the toilet for a while, I decided to make my way into the bathtub. As I basked my pelvis in warm water, my lower back cried in agony for reliefs. The roles reversed as soon as I laid down on my stomach. I cried. I winced. I yelped. Jefferson stayed by my side and I watched the helpless look on his face. So badly he wanted to be the one in pain.
Minutes later, he convinced me to take 4 Aleve. Fresh out of weed, I readily although reluctantly agreed. I peeled myself out of the bath and made my way to the bed. I decided to try and fall asleep. This was no easy task. Although the cramping was starting to dull, my body continued to tense as I winced.
Eventually, I remembered my yoga practice and focused on my pranayama or breathing. This instantly helped relieve some of the tension. Jefferson crawled into bed next to me and his touch was instantly soothing as well. He lovingly stroked my face and started to sing. The last thing I recall before falling asleep was Jefferson singing “My Girl” by The Temptations into my ear and me singing back.
Hours later, I made my way to an emergency clinic to have everything checked out. My original intention for that morning was to make a doctors appointment to check on the babies progress. Instead, I was confirming a miscarriage. Part of me was relieved that I didn’t have to alter the course of my life for a baby. The other part crushed by my loss.
My heart was even more torn than it had been when I was pregnant.
The doctors office was cold or maybe I just felt cold on the inside. Either way, I waited anxiously for the ultrasound technician to return after I removed my clothing. When she arrived, she asked me what brought me in that day.
“I found out I was pregnant about two weeks ago and last night I had the worst cramps I’ve ever experienced. I’m bleeding and clotting as a lot too. I’m almost certain I miscarried.” I replied.
Her face said it all. She was in dismay of how straightforward my answer was and she didn’t say anything for the duration of the vaginal ultrasound. I watched the screen in front of me as the tech prodded. She check laterally, transversely, anterior and the posterior sides of my uterus and cervix. Having taken Anatomy and Physiology I and II, I was fascinated by the real life examination of part of my body from every angle. But something also occurred to me as she examined one area to the next. The screen showed no sign of a baby or at this stage in the game a mass of cells growing on the uterine wall.
Now I will warn you, this could be TMI so skip this paragraph if you don’t want to get too personal. I’m no doctor, medical professional etc. but I already knew the baby was no longer in me. I saw it. She wasn’t recognizable as a baby or in fetal position it was too early on in the pregnancy. Instead a massive clot exited my body and I stared in disbelief. Somehow I just knew that was the bulk of what would have been my child. This “massive” ball of cells is what every mother and father hope to see on their first ultrasound.
Today just wasn’t that day for Jeff and I. I stared blankly at the screen. This was the confirmation I needed. But how I dreaded this news. When the doctor came in to talk about the results of the ultrasound part of me shut down. Seeing the truth was one thing but hearing it was something I wasn’t prepared for.
For anyone whose trying to get pregnant or has a curious mind, here’s a few things the doctor told me that I’d like to pass on…
- One in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I have so much more compassion for the 25% of women who experience this loss. We as people are not as different as I thought. So many of us deal with this trauma and I truly recognize the love, loss and pain within you that also resides within us all. We are all one.
- Losing the baby is usually for the best. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why you lost the baby but it’s most likely for a genetic abnormality or the chromosomes didn’t form properly. Our bodies are smarter than we can fathom and can pinpoint when things are not smooth sailing.
- Most importantly…YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. It’s not your fault sometimes life doesn’t go exactly the way you planned. It doesn’t mean you didn’t plan enough, you didn’t eat the right foods or you forgot to take your prenatal vitamins, sometimes things aren’t meant to be.
The doctor told Jefferson to remind me periodically that the miscarriage wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t have done anything differently to prevent it. In his words, “God has a plan for all of us and this wasn’t part of your plan.” I’m not religious but this was his way of saying that everything happens for a reason.
“Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it.”
Rumor has it, Buddha spoke these words but whether he actually did or not is besides the point. I immediately thought of this quote while talking to the doctor. My blessings were many in this situation. Neither Jeff or I were infertile and could one day have our own family. I would be able to finish school and start a career without a baby. I still had a wonderful little puppy at home that I could still be a mommy for. Life wasn’t at it’s prime but I could still make the best of it.
The doctor asked about birth control and I surprised myself with how quickly I jumped on the offer. If you know me, I’ll try every tincture, natural concoction and oil on my body before I reach for any orange pill bottle. I’m not opposed to Western medicine by any means, hell I was using the Western medical system at this appointment I just believe there is a beautiful balance between Eastern and Western medicine. I like to try a more holistic approach before I even flirt with the idea of modern medicine.
In this case, I was taking the doctors offer and running with it. I couldn’t deal with the emotional pain again. I couldn’t deal with the physical pain again. Well maybe I could and would but not until I was ready. Call me selfish, hate me, I dare you, but until you’ve walked in these shoes you don’t know what I’ve been through. I’m not the only one to ever be on this boat or the last but it hurts like hell. Mentally. Physically. EMOTIONALLY.
I was on birth control when I started college but I didn’t like the side effects. I was moody, angry or depressed. I didn’t want to go anywhere, I didn’t want to be social and I was really insecure. I swore I would never take it ever again. But they say to never say never for a reason. The doctor assured me that I was on the lowest dose out there. It meant taking estrogen more often but in lighter doses. It was the same pill his daughter was on and that in itself made me realize that this doctor actually cared.
I was instructed to take it easy and come back in two weeks. I thought the worst of my suffering was over, but recovering from a miscarriage/pregnant brings pain I hope no other person ever has to endure. But will get into that next time.
Stay tuned for next week’s blog, Confession’s of a Miscarrying Yogi Part 2.
ON A FINAL NOTE: If you need someone to talk to, a hug or a stroll in nature feel free to reach out and we can arrange something. I’m so grateful that I can inspire so many others through my writing and yoga practice. I love you beyond comprehension if you are reading this. To the 500 plus people that read my last blog, you touched my heart, you made me cry, you helped me heal by feeling my pain and reaching out to me. The light within me truly loves and honors that same vibrant light within you and every other living creature.
Namaste, Kay.
Namaste Kay 