I woke up this morning feeling numb. Yesterday I felt content but everyday is different for me. The only similarity with every morning is the sheer exhaustion. It doesn’t matter if I sleep for 9 hours or 4 hours the exhaustion is just the same.
I had a migraine for three days strait but thankfully that came to a halt this morning. In some ways I improve and feel stronger everyday but the emotional loss continues to grow. Previous to this experience one of my favorite quotes was…
“Life isn’t fair. It never was. It never will be.”
-John F. Kennedy-
Now as I allowed this words to float through my mind I wanted to vomit. Never in my life had they been more true. On the bright side, at least my fate was not as tragic as President Kennedy’s. He, himself, and his family lived through the truth of life not being fair. It didn’t matter how many times I told myself or Jefferson how unfair life was, it still wasn’t getting any fairer.
I stopped going to school. At this point it was 2 weeks without attending class. Somehow I was still turning in my assignments and taking quizzes but I couldn’t quite motivate myself to get to class. If you’re close to me, you understand how serious I take my education. I see it as the building block to the next phase of my life. But for some reason, I stopped caring as much. Class was every Tuesday and Thursday evening. I worked the front desk of one of the yoga studios I worked at during the day and went to class at night. But overtime I finished work, I found myself feeling utterly exhausted.
Maybe I should have taken off time from work to recover. Although I appeared fine on the surface, I knew my body was slowly making its way back to equilibrium. In a matter of weeks my body had gone through some ridiculous changes. I went from expecting a menstrual cycle, pregnant and miscarrying within a month! The cherry on top was the birth control pills I popped in mouth every morning just adding to the madness.
I didn’t want to get out of bed some mornings. I didn’t want to do my school work. I didn’t want to go to work. Something was seriously off. I’m a goal chaser, highly motivated, eager and positive about whats yet to come. But all I wanted to do was sit on my couch, cry and forget about everything.
New Daily Ritual As Follows…
- Make a cup of tea and not touch it.
- Meditate and Yoga.
- Eat something if I had an appetite around 1 or 2.
- Get an assignment or part of one done for school.
- Do a high intensity workout to feel better about myself.
- Eat ice cream.
One morning at yoga, the instructor said I looked slim. That night, I told my boyfriend to make me eat even if it was forced. My love and adoration for food just wasn’t there anymore. I looked at certain foods I would prepare and feel sick to my stomach. I couldn’t stand to eat half the time.
Why couldn’t I have my life back?
Fortunately, a few days later my good friend Chelsea asked if I was going to Miami for our friend Maria’s birthday. I told her I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off because of my crazy schedule but I would try. The first couple days I had no motivation to try and get the time off. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go, the effort just seemed exhausting.
But something changed within me in the matter of days. I was going to Miami if I had to quit my job or skip class. I wasn’t particularly worried about the consequences at that moment. I NEEDED this trip. Call me irresponsible but I am 22 and feeling pretty depressed. Sure I needed the money, but I needed to heal more than anything. I had a few dollars in my savings account and would make this work. I had yoga classes covered and shifts changed so that I could go.
The plan was meeting at Chelsea’s Wendesday night, leaving for Miami early Thursday morning and returning Friday evening. Super mini roadtrip with my best friends from high school. Nicole, my friend that lives in Jacksonville was the driver. Maria, my friend from Cocoa Beach was the birthday girl. Chelsea, my friend in Melbourne, like myself, was along for the ride and birthday festivities.
The Tuesday before the trip I felt better than I had in weeks. No I wasn’t 100% back in action but definitely on the road back to being myself. I had something to look forward to and it was making my life seem less dreary. There’s magic in spending time with your best girlfriends for a few days. This miscarrying yogi was back on her toes and feeling the magic of life once again.
Thank you for reading part two of Confessions of a Miscarrying Yogi. Join me next time as I recap my trip to 48 hour trip to Miami. This Yogis is back on the road and ready to see the world, one city, one country and continent at a time.